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AEI-Open Windows Activities
A COURSE FOR YOUNG MOTHERS IN
PALESTINE, APRIL 2008
June 29, 2008
LISTENING
If I ask
you to listen to me and you start giving me
advice,
you are not doing what I ask of you.
If I ask
you to listen to me and you start telling me,
why
I should not feel what I feel, you are not
taking my feelings seriously.
If I ask
you to listen to me and you think that you have
to do something
to solve my problems, you are abandoning me,
however strange that may seem.
This may
be the reason why prayers work for some people,
because
God does not say anything back and he does not
give advice,
nor does he try to arrange things for you.
He only listens and trusts that you will come
through it all yourself.
So,
please, just listen to me and try to understand
me.
And if you
want to talk, wait a moment, I promise you that
I for my part will
listen to you
(Leo Buscaglia)
Introduction
So
things happened. I was able to implement the
plan to give a course for parents in Bethlehem.
Who am I? My name is Janny van Heerbeek; I am a
remedial educationalist and have organized for
several years meetings for parents in Holland.
During a visit to Bethlehem in October 2007 I
started to realize that Palestinian parents have
to bring up their children under very stressful
circumstances. In the period between the first
and second stay in Bethlehem I mailed a lot with
Toine van Teeffelen (management AEI) about the
plan to give a course for parents. AEI was
enthusiastic and asked a number of mothers to
follow the pilot course. Six women participated.
We planned three meetings of two hours; on 26,
28 and 30 of April. The course, in English, took
place in the building of AEI. The starting point
of the course was the competence model and
theory about communication of Thomas Gordon.
The course
Central
in the course were the stories about the
difficult situation in Bethlehem. There was a
strong urge to tell. For instance, to tell about
four men who in March 2008 were shot dead by the
Israelis, to tell about raids into homes, about
shootings, about life in an open prison, about
children who are aggressive, who want to shoot
and kill, about the fears of children, about
powerlessness and despair. I was listening to
the stories and experiences, to the emotions,
and from there we tried to give all that a
place. I explained the competence model. The
stories and experiences that were told can be
understood as stressors. They are factors which
make the task of bringing up the children
heavier, more difficult.
Competence model, factors that influence tasks
and competence
There are also protective
factors that help you in difficult situations.
In Bethlehem the family is a protective factor.
Resilience, or in Arabic sumud, is the
individual’s power to persist. Resilience is
about, for instance, self-confidence, a positive
self-image, trust in completing something well,
intelligence, and last but not least, humour.
The competence model can be
used for both children and parents and adults.
The following subjects were
dealt with from the perspective of the theory of
communication by Gordon.
· The
importance of positive interaction with your
child. I explained that a glass can be seen as
both half empty and half full. Both are true.
Often parents solely react upon negative
behaviour of their children (half empty). The
positive aspects of their children’s behaviour
are often considered normal and nothing is said
about that. That is a pity since children learn
more from compliments than criticisms.
· Children
learn much more, and are more influenced by the
behaviour of their parents (80%), than by what
their parents say (20%).
· We
also discussed the importance of giving
constructive criticism. You have two kinds of
criticism: positive and destructive. The last
criticism puts somebody down. This is negative
for children. Constructive criticism says
something about undesirable behavior and
provides an alternative. Often parents
communicate only what is not allowed, but
children often do not know what is expected from
them.
· Behaviour
can be influenced by rewards and punishment. If
the reward is provided in the right way,
desirable behaviour increases. If the punishment
is well-chosen, the undesirable behaviour
decreases. When those effects do not happen, it
is likely that the means of rewarding or
punishing are not well applied. It can for
instance happen that parents punish out of
powerlessness. They become angry when the
punishment does not help. It is helpful to know
that rewarding or punishing in the right way is
a difficult matter.
· It
sometimes happens that parents inadvertently
contribute to the origin and continuation of
undesirable behaviour by paying special
attention to this behaviour.
We also
paid attention to an alternative mental model.
It derives from rational emotive therapy. In
Holland people sometimes speak about healthy
thinking or the G4 or G5 model:
G1 the event
G2 the thought about G1
G3 the emotion, the feelings
G4 the behaviour
G5 the consequences
G2 is a
determinative factor. It is not G1 which
determines G3 and G4. It is possible to
influence G2. As a result you may get another G3
and G4.
Summary
In a
brief period many subjects have been dealt with.
It was more a matter of becoming familiar with
them rather then an exhaustive discussion. After
all, the listening to and the opportunity to
tell about the situation was essential. It
released emotions, gave inner power, and as a
result the participants became more quiet. There
are no solutions to most of the problems;
however, listening, as suggested by the poem
above, is very important. In addition, the tools
are helpful to purposefully deal with the task
at hand: bringing up children
Recommendation
It looks
to me meaningful to continue organizing meetings
for mothers (parents). The situation in occupied
Bethlehem generates many problems. It is
difficult to bring up children under such
stressful circumstances. The competence model is
very helpful in creating insights. It is
important to hand over tools which parents can
consciously employ when bringing up children. In
addition, talking together about bringing up
children – rather than always being busy with it
– and talking about the nice and happy things
children give as well as the difficult things,
is helpful for parents. Learning from each other
and sharing with each other help to create
appreciation and recognition.
Janny van Heerbeek / the
Netherlands
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